First things first. I want to put it on record that I am not trying to defend those guilty of engaging in domestic violence. To the contrary: I want to help reduce it and, if possible, eliminate it. For domestic violence to be eradicated, though, it must first be understood. Here, drawing on several years of research on my book, The Privileged Sex, I intend to explain some of what I have learnt.

Judging by what the media, which are pushed along by feminist organizations, have to say about the matter, one might think that domestic violence is directed almost solely by men against women. Not true. The greatest living expert on the subject is Professor Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire. His fame may be measured by the fact that a google.scholar search of his name brought 47,000 hits, no less. Along with his assistants, he has spent years investigating the topic in many different countries. The pattern he discovered is remarkably uniform. In about fifty percent of all cases the violence is mutual. The remaining fifty percent are initiated almost equally by people of both sexes. Poof! Goes myth number one.

Again judging by the media, women suffer more serious injuries than men (men’s injuries, in fact, are hardly ever mentioned). Not true. According to other investigators, it is men who usually suffer the more serious injuries. The reason is that women are more likely to use weapons, whereas men hit with their fists or their feet. Poof! Goes myth number two.

Domestic violence directed by men against women is often said to be underreported. True or not, there is no doubt that violence directed by women against men is even more so. The reason is simple: should a man dare complain, then if he is lucky he will be laughed at. If he is not then there is a good chance that he will get himself arrested, charged, tried, convicted and punished. I personally knew one such case, and there must be many others. Furthermore, whereas a man who beats up or kills his woman is said to commit domestic violence, women who do the same are said to engage in “reverse domestic violence.” Thus the stereotype, to use an expression feminists love so much, consists of men hitting women. That in itself may very well lead to over-reporting of such cases. Poof! Goes myth number three.

Supposedly men kill their girlfriends and wives, whereas the opposite is rare. Not true, or at any rate true only up to a certain point. Depending on the country, the ratio is about three or four to one. In other words, for every three or four women killed there is a man who loses his life. However, as is the case with domestic violence as a whole, there is some reason to think that the statistics fail to present the full picture. There are two reasons for this. First, more women than men use covert means such as poison which may not be detected. Second, more women hire other people (men) to do the killing for them. Though it is almost certainly true that more men kill their spouses than women, the ratio may not be as skewed as the headlines claim. Poof! Goes Myth number four.

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Most people of both sexes who commit crimes of any kind try to cover their tracks as best they can. Not so men who kill their wives. To be sure, there are exceptions. However, most of them, instead of trying to escape, turn themselves in. Others commit suicide. They do so either on the spot, immediately after having committed the deed, or soon afterwards. No other class of criminals has displayed similar behavior. The question is, why?

Two answers present themselves. First, when a woman attacks her man and is brought to trial, she is invariably asked why she did it. That will enable her to explain how he made her life a misery and roll out all his misdeeds, real or imaginary. Often she will claim self-defense. For a man the situation is entirely different. Claiming self-defense, in most cases he will meet either ridicule or contempt. The same will happen if he lists his grievances. In many cases he, or his dead body, will be treated as if he deserved to be beaten or killed. In other words, men’s pain and blood are held to be cheap in relation to women’s. A woman who stands trial for engaging in domestic violence has a fair chance of being acquitted. A man stands hardly any.

The different views society takes of men and women who have been found guilty of domestic violence also explain the very different ways they are punished. Men who have killed are likely to suffer some of the worst penalties from death down. Women are much less likely to do the same. In quite some cases, instead of being executed or incarcerated, they will find themselves referred to psychological treatment either inside a closed institution or, less often outside its gates. That treatment having ended, she is likely to be freed. Her feminist sisters may even treat her as a heroine—as regularly happens each time some woman in a Third World country kills her husband and is threatened with execution.

All this gives much food for thought. We all agree that the objective should be to reduce domestic violence in general and killing in particular. To do so it is first of all necessary to understand why certain kill their spouses before committing suicide. The phenomenon must be investigated, its causes brought to light, and the appropriate remedies found. Or else, as sure as night follows day, the killings are going to continue and perhaps to multiply.